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The Fanny Flusher Perineal Bottle Story

All good superheroes need a kick-ass origin story right?

I’d like to tell you the story about how our signature product, The Fanny Flusher came to be.

Get in your time machine and let’s flashback to 2016. A simpler time, pre-COVID when we gathered and hugged and there were abundant supplies of toilet paper and flour in every Aldi as far as the eye could see.

I was heavily pregnant, blissfully unaware and intentionally ignorant of the enormous life-changing event that was about to hit me like a freight train to the vaj. LABOUR.

bron pregnant beachball
No, I’m not trying to smuggle a beach ball under this dress. Also how good were phone cameras in 2016?

At my baby shower, a fantastic and extremely honest friend gave me a life-changing gift. Sidenote: We all have that friend, right? The one who says it like it is, brutal but truthful? We love her/him/they, don’t we?

Well my friend proudly handed me a sauce bottle at my baby shower. That’s right. One of those empty sauce bottles you can buy from your local supermarket.

“Uh…thanks?” I said, “what…what is this for?”

“Trust me” she replied, “if you have a natural birth, you’ll thank me.” She then proceeded to tell me about the absolute pounding my gal pal down there was about to take. And how, if I were to push out my baby, it would end up a big ol’ stitchy mess that I really won’t want to touch. And if that happened, and it likely would, that the best way to keep my fajootz (as she called it) clean and happy was to fill that sauce bottle up in the shower, point and shoot. Righto, I thought, placing the bottle on top of the swaddles and baby clothes I had received, I’ll totally remember that.

sauce bottle

A memorable baby shower gift… but we can do better!

Flash forward. It’s the 2nd of December. Perineal tearing. Grade 3. Stitches. I’ve just come home from the hospital and I’m about to have my first real post-baby shower (the ones you have at the hospital are all business). I’m about to step into the steamy goodness and let the water rushing over my head become the only noise I hear rather than a screaming newborn when I remember the sauce bottle. Now, in the past three days, I’ve been in the hospital and I’ve become a mum. I honestly have not thought about myself once in the last 72 hours. I’ve been trying to keep a little mini-me alive and have been preoccupied with figuring out how the hell I GET MY NIPPLE IN HER MOUTH THE RIGHT WAY.

But now, here I am, in the shower. And I have this bottle. And I do what my friend told me to do because I’m so sore and after what happened down there 72 hours ago I really am scared to death to touch anything below my deflated belly. IT. WAS. HEAVEN. Those warm and healing sprays hit my stitches and my busted vaj and I felt relief.

Upon reflection, probably at like 4 in the morning whilst trying to pump out what little breastmilk I was producing, I thought “why doesn’t every single pregnant woman know about this?”. And to be honest, this was the moment that The Maternity Market was born in my head. Because I really couldn’t understand why no one had really told me what was about to happen to me and had no idea about perineal bottles and thank god that my brutally honest friend wasn’t afraid to give me a sauce bottle and tell me how busted my cooch was about to get.

And you know what, I made the mistake of standing over a mirror, like 2 weeks postpartum and slowly, reluctantly looking down. OOF. My bestie had indeed taken a battering. She was battle-worn.

Now, our wonderful Fanny Flusher is a total upgrade of your regular sauce bottle and it’s taken a lot of searching and testing to find the perfect perineal bottle (in our signature green, YAAAAS!). Brilliantly, it’s designed to spray whilst being held upside down and is literally like a mini-shower for your perineal area. You can also use it on the toilet, and even add a little Spritz My Vajitz or Repair + Tone Healing Herbal Spritz with warm water to it and really ramp up the relief and healing.

The cream of the perineal bottle crop.

Pack this. Pack this in your hospital bag and use her at home. She’s your best friend. She’s your brutally honest friend telling you like it is. That you’re a mess down there, but with a little T.L.C, you’ll be fine.

The moral of the story here is. Your vagina takes a beating. But, like you, she is strong and resilient and baby, she bounces back.

I make no apologies for the TMI here. If I can help one pregnant woman find the joy of a postpartum perineal bottle, my work here is done.

Mumma advice network. Activated.

Bron x

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